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I’m probably not alone in the sense that while growing up, I was in such a hurry to “grow up”. It was an exciting idea. To be an adult, be independent, make my own rules, do what I want when I want. Have a big girl job, make money, spend it. Adults seemed to have it so easy because they didn’t have homework, reading logs, chores, anyone to say no to them. I find it hard to believe I was the only kid who thought being an adult was when life got easy! If only I knew. 

Adults always seemed so much more “adult” in the same way that high schoolers looked like the big kids in middle school. Then, once you’re in high school, you say “I always thought high schoolers were bigger”. College seems like the real deal until you’re there, thinking “college kids always seemed so much older”. Adults, in that same way, always seemed more adult to me. If you asked me at sixteen, I would’ve told you I’d have it all figured out at twenty two. That’s old! So adult. I’ll have my sh*t together! But here I am, twenty two, thinking “maybe thirty. I’ll have it all figured out by thirty”. 

The common theme that’s been chasing me my whole life is that people know more than I do. From a very small age, I thought the kid next to me in class was a better reader. I thought the boy who beat me running in P.E. was better than me across the board. The girl next to me on the bus had a better iTunes playlist because she knew more songs than me. In middle school, everyone had more friends than me. In high school, everyone’s grades were better than mine. In college, everyone had their future figured out and knew exactly what they wanted. The job I have now I thought was so far fetched. That I’d never be capable of having it. Now that I’m writing this out, maybe some slight imposter syndrome, don’t ya think? I always felt like I was missing something. A piece to the puzzle that everyone had and I was clueless to. Until I came to the realization of a couple things, that feeling hung over my head day in and day out. Year after year, age after age. So let’s talk about what I realized. 

First things first, no two people walk the same journey. Im not even convinced that identical twins growing up in the same household walk the same journey. They’re two separate brains processing events at their own rate and forming their own understanding of life day by day. So, if no two journeys are the same, how is it fair to compare, you ask? I’ll tell you. I even thought everyone’s journey was better than mine. Yeah, this runs deep. Until recently, I really believed that. And it took me experiencing the ugly parts of life to think “hey, I can’t be alone in this. Other people have felt this too.” There you go Alana! You CANT be alone in this, no one is! That very realization was freeing to a pretty good extent. I’m not the only girl who’s cried over a boy she only just met and is convinced she fell in love with. I’m not the only person whose heart has been shattered into a million tiny pieces by grief. I’m not the only one who’s worked a job I hated and felt like as soon as I clocked in, my existence was draining itself. I’m not the only person who has failed a test, wasted money on something that was disappointing, or been given the wrong order only to realize when you sit down at your kitchen table to finally satisfy that relentless craving only to be met with the wrong. order. The incorrect milk in your Starbucks coffee is a different type of pain, and other people have felt that too. I’m not the only human who has experienced guilt, anxiety, depression, or simply that it’s all just “too much”. Say it with me, I AM NOT ALONE. And man does it feel good to know that there are 7.8 billion people experiencing this universe and all its inconveniences with me.

Something less depressing than the realization that I can’t be the only one straight up not having a good time was the counter part. I also can’t be the only one that’s had something good happen to them! This was an even more comforting thought. And this one fills my heart and makes me happy. It does not provide company for my misery. The serotonin release after a hot girl walk on a sunny day and yoga at sunset on a cool evening. The euphoria of dopamine after the smell of In-N-Out, a drunk cig, or broken sexual tension. All in the same night, if you’re lucky. The oxytocin rush of being in love. Endorphins after a good leg day. 7.8 billion other people have also experienced the highs. The good. The happy. And that’s so beautiful. But why am I still missing that puzzle piece?

Well, the missing piece is that there is no one who has it all figured out. Even though I’ve wasted twenty two years thinking that everyone does and it’s just me who doesn’t. And even if there’s someone who does, there’s also those who don’t. Remember, 7.8 billion people. But my missing piece was a piece that doesn’t actually exist, and I exhausted myself everyday for years searching for it! I guess to make a long story short, I had always thought the grass was greener on the other side. But turns out, grass is green where you water it. And if it’s too green to be true, you’re right. It’s probably turf. You install it when you want to look good, but not work to keep it alive or worry about anything killing it. And at the end of the day, it’s fake. It’s not cool on your feet on a warm day, it’s not soothing to your dog’s tummy ache, and it’s not soft and luscious. It’s just fake grass. But it looks good!

So, the killer? Comparison. Comparing two people, on two different paths with two different lives. It’s like cross checking two different homework assignments, of course it’s not adding up! Life started once i stopped comparing myself and my story to someone else’s. Life started once I realized there’s no “answer”. There’s no milestone that means you’ve made it. No age, no amount of money, no job, no accomplishment that means someone completed the life game. Adulthood has felt much more child like once i understood that everyday, each of us is working towards something different and experiencing different trials while doing so. 

In rushing to grow up, I was rushing to get to where i thought everyone was, only to find out no one was actually there. Those child problems i swore would go away, only morphed into real, bigger ones. Life doesn’t get easier as an adult, it challenges you in ways you’d never think you needed to be challenged. Watching past versions of yourself die to welcome a new one. Finding God’s love in the Devil’s work. Grieving. Heartbreak that gets worse every time until he comes along — catching you off guard with everything you’ve dreamed of when you least expect it. Money, budgeting — your third grocery list of the WEEK because adulting, in reality, is just buying food, doing the dishes and washing the sheets. We’re all doing it. Everything. Together. All the time. Just seperately. The same, but different. And wow is it a relief that no one has the puzzle piece I swore was missing.